Posted in Odd Thinking

Frienship

Friendship. The word friend plus the word that relationship. 

How wouldyou know if friendship is really formed? 

You’re okay the other day but the next day you aren’t. I’m confused and bothered by it. I just tought that the person who you can rely on will always be there… 

I was wrong. I don’t know if I am, but the feeling is hard to obtain. It’s a never ending quicksand. I felt like I’m gonna drown by my own thoughts. Am I still important to the person? 

Do I still have to ask if the friendship is over? 
Yeah. I get tired. Sometimes I still wonder if it’s worth it or not. 

I’m drifting. Far, far, away….

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Posted in Odd Thinking

Time-Off

I would like to have a time-off. A full rest. A full sleep. A full of everything that I could think of. 

People get tired and so am I. It doesn’t mean that we have to stop from there. We just need to be out there… to feel like you’re free. 

I’m not feelin’ it. I’m a prison of my thoughts and courage is beneath me. How will I ever conquer such madness. 

A vacation, like a week… that’ll hold it. Somehow. 

I can’t describe what I’m feeling right now. It’s like someone is grabbing my neck so tight that I can’t breathe. I don’t wanna think about it anymore. I want to let it out. 

I want to get out. 

Please. 

Posted in Odd Thinking

Mad

How long have I’ve been mad with a person? 

Not much. 

I can forgive them but I don’t forget what they did. It just kindda stuck to me. 

Or maybe I’m just the forgiving type… I’ll be the bigger person in the picture. I wanted it to be. No pride must harm any relationship there is. It won’t take you anywhere but on the wall that can’t be cracked. 

I always play in my mind the question, what if? 

What if it’s my last day on earth, would you do something different then when I was alive? 

What if I can’t bring back the relationship that we had before? Can we start all over again? 

What if there’s too much to live for, but we take it for granted because we always thought that tomorrow can be a different day and there’s a chance that it might turn our luck around? 

What if you won’t see that person again, would you like to know if you could turn back time and save anything that is lost? 

Time is endless and we can’t turn back the specific date that we screwed up. Use it wisely. Once you have done something negative… learn to know what are the things that you need to do if you are mad about something. 

Every clock is ticking. 

Watch yourself doing the right thing. Other people will do the same to you. 

If you’re angry, don’t hold a grudge. Talk to that person directly. It’s more effective to let everything out instead of holding everything in. It’s not healthy. Don’t wait for you to explode inside. 

Take a deep breathe. 

Let it out. 

Posted in Odd Thinking

My Favorite Dream

I want to re-enter this post from my old blog post.

This is the link.

https://mynameishungry.wordpress.com/2015/07/12/a-dream-and-another/

A Dream and Another…

I dreamt of you.

I don’t know why. I don’t know what I was thinking.
This happened maybe, 2 days ago.

We were in a small room and the place is unfamiliar. My friends were there and I was asleep. When I awoke by the noise because everyone was busy talking with each other…

…I saw you.

It looked like you were looking at me while I was asleep then turned away right after you and I realize that you’re staring at me while I was busy dreaming of you.

I remembered that a friend told me, “Hey, he keeps on looking at you. He didn’t flinched and stared at you the whole time that you’re asleep.”

I froze.
I blushed.
I was curious.

I asked myself, “Why?”.
I asked again, “Are you still in love with me?”

I can’t remember any other scenario after that… everything is blank.

We started to talk again. And yeah, I didn’t keep my pledge. I just wanted to talk to you. I couldn’t help it. I appreciate you taking the time to read my message and making time to even reply to one of my silly emoji’s.

I know it’s weird, and maybe it’s good that we have this kind of connection again, to not feel awkward if ever we meet one of these days.

This time of the year is when everything is cold, and I can feel the weather even rising when I’m talking to you. It feels like a soft and cold breeze that keeps on making me want to wake up every day.

Then this day came…

I dreamt of you… for a second time.

It’s kind of the same setting…

I saw myself automatically walking outside of my house but it has a different exterior but I know it’s mine. Then I saw you, looks like you are waiting for something… or someone?

While I was walking right passed you, I really didn’t know where I was going… I just kept on walking. I felt my footsteps so heavy while stepping on the pavements of the street. I think that I’m cold.

Then abruptly, I believe that I have forgotten something. I swiftly went back home and I saw you, ran passed you. You are still waiting and I sensed that you are somehow, disappointed?

“About what?”, I wonder.
“Were you waiting for me?”, I wondered again.
“Were you disappointed because I didn’t even stop and be with you at that moment?”, I wondered again and again.

I am frustrated about myself too.

When I went to the house, our friends were there…

Then someone told me, “Hey, did you know that he’s looking at you while you’re asleep? He can’t take his eyes off of you”.

Do they mean that before you went outside, you were there with me the whole time?

I was stunned. I know that this dream happened before, but why? Is it relevant on what’s going to take place now? Or that’s what’s happening right now? Or has it happened before?

I’m speechless.
I’m furious.
I’m confused.

I can’t use this as a sign. This is just a dream, right?

I thought about this. I didn’t know how am I going to interpret a situation like this. Was this a big deal or am I just making it like one?

Vague. Blurry. Unclear.

And I guess… Damn, I’m waiting for more.

*****

 

The reason why that this is my favorite dream is because this made me realize that I shouldn’t take anyone for granted, especially if that person really loves me so much and waited for me to come back to him.

I know that coming back to him is the greatest decision that I have ever made.

I wish he’ll stay. I wish that this relationship deserved the chance that it suppose to have.

Posted in Odd Thinking

Not Good Enough…

I’m really just a normal girl.

I want normal things. Normal life. Everything. And I know it’s not gonna happen. Any person in this planet have differences. We are not normal. What’s normal anyway?

Or maybe the term is Average. Who knows what normal really means? Cause we would feel like it’s just things. Not the ones that we usually do.

I would like to celebrate to celebrate anniversaries, have surprises, travel in different places, so it’s normal cause I’m a girl? What if I’m a guy? would it still be normal? I think it depends on who you really are. It would be normal if it’s you.

The thing is, no one really knows why some people would like to be anybody else. In fact, it’s way cooler if you have your own identity. If you have your own signature. If you have your own title. Cause that’s you. Everybody knows that, that’s you and they will remember you completely.

You know why? Cause you’re not trying to be normal and you’re really not. You’re being YOU.

It’s okay to be different. It’s okay to let yourself out there and do your thing. No one would mind, no one should. Well in this case, just don’t go crazy if you need to be.

Place yourself on the right moment then everything will be good.

To me, something is quite out of it’s place. I always encourage others that they can do it. Just be yourself. Don’t underestimate your skills, your knowledge, your potential. Someone out there wants to have the things that you have. Just be grateful.

I can’t apply those things to myself. I’m now kind of depressed and I don’t know if I still want to continue living. There are times that I’m so down, I’m planning my own death. I know that it’s not good. I know that I can be better than this. But, how?

I always cry when I’m alone, or even right after I came home from work. I’ve said this before on my other post that I hate what I’m doing right now. I hate my job. I can’t do anything about it cause I know that the offer here is much more higher than other centers. I also went to my friends email support work and I’m already interviewed, but I was thinking, that the benefits is not as good as what this company is giving me. I just don’t want to take in calls anymore. I’m really sick of it. But this is the only job that I can do.

I wanted to pursue my course which is for Hotel Restaurant Services but I’m not good at it either. What am I good at? I’m not talented. I’m not really good at anything. That’s why I’m trying to be… normal? or yes, different. Because I know I am… but what am I suppose to provide? What’s my purpose? What’s my goal?

My boyfriend told me that I need to have determination. Someone told me that skills can be trained but attitude can’t be taught. And maybe that’s the reason why I’m not doing good is because of my attitude. I’m not helping myself. I’m trying to destroy it. No one can help me, but me. I’m drowning.

I’m still hoping that something will change. There’s still hope.

There should be.

Posted in Odd Thinking

An Unfortunate Event

I never wanted to talk about it anymore but, we trusted someone we shouldn’t trust. Somehow, he’s able to build the trust from several people and that’s us. Thus, I just wanted to let it out of my chest.

We knew he needs something. For his family. especially for his child. He borrowed money from us. He told us that there’s a job waiting for us. It’s a non-voice account. an email account. I was excited. We were. The job offer is kindda high and he informed us that he and the manager of tat account already arranged everything and we’re just down to the final and client interview.

Yeah, it’s too good to be true but we wanted to still try to see if it’s really true. I had my hopes up. Everybody did.

It’s just that, every time that we are near the call time, something will come up and he’ll come up with an excuse.

There’s an issue the communication at that time because we’re just text messaging each other. It’s a hell of a mess. A large one. We didn’t anticipated that someone would trick us. We wasted our time and he and the so-called manager who spelled the word Cab into ‘Cub’… now that’s suspicious. Not only that word but that so-called manager is not able to compose good sentences.

I’m not saying that I’m good at it, but it’s really obvious that professionalism is not observed on that person. They’re telling us that his child is in the hospital and the thing is, I showed up in that hospital but they made an excuse that they’re not there anymore or because he is too weak for me to let me see him in that sad situation.

We found out that they’re tricking us or he’s tricking us because of a simple take away. He texted us using the so-called managers number. Wrong send.

And we are stunned. Because we’re having some discussions that maybe he and the manager is only one person so that we’ll expect that there’s really a manager who’re we’re going to talk to on that company.

We are all pissed off. Mad. I don’t know who’s to blame.

Him, because he managed to make a huge scheme…

or Us, because we even believed it which is too good to be true…

I hate it. I hate that day.

This is the reason why I have trust issues. Sometimes you want to do something right… but there are some things that won’t go your way. Sometimes, people will try to do something different.

I believe in Karma. it will strike him, 100x.

I hope so.

Posted in Odd Thinking

Pain

​If you’re in tears,  it doesn’t mean that you’re too vulnerable to handle the pain. Instead,  it’s a sign that you’re too brave to tell the world what you really feel. 

It’s not being weak. It’s allowing you to let everything out.  Then later on,  you’ll be able to realise that things are coming your way.  

Be calm. Be yourself. 

You’re free. 

always the Odd one,

Bronte