I watched this Netflix series which only has one season and consists of 13 episodes. Well, the title of it gives it away.
13 Reasons Why.
I just played the series in one day. I’m having a headache right now but whatever, it’s kindda cool. Weird. And makes me think how I run my life. I don’t know if the depression of that girl is the same as mine but somehow, I wanna do what she did…
But… No, I’m not gonna do it. I hope.
If any of you are curious, yeah, it’s the story about a girl who decided to end her life and she recorded 13 reasons why she did it.
Life can be funny, and we can’t play with fate. We thought that some people might understand us which will never happen cause you never understand yourself in the first place.
This is the time where I wanted to just scream… and let my heart out. It won’t. Even the tiniest screech won’t do. I cry. I just cry. That’s what I can do. I’m pretty much scared to hurt myself and I know that’s not a solution. It’s just going to let you escape and nothing will change. I guess let’s say, I still love my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I love him.
13 Reasons Why I shouldn’t end my life and just live.
13. My Curiosities. I’m a curious girl who wants to know what is what. I’m not a gossip, ugghh. I’m just, a girl who wants to ask things, or read things or write things. Something that will keep my mind busy. Something that I will ask my self. Something that is different and sometimes stupid to think about.
12. My Responsibilities. I’m a big girl. I know what I should do for my family. Even though I’m not that great, I’m not smart, or anything. But I will do anything in my power to not let them down. I will still do it just for them.
11. My Mission and Vision for my Family. I’m saving for my families future and also on mine as well. I plan to have a happy life but it doesn’t come out easy.
10. My Challenges. And that’s why challenges are really important to look forward to. I hate it. Actually I really do hate it. Why can’t I just have what I need to have? Why is it difficult to get what I want immediately? Maybe, we need to work hard for something in order to appreciate how we will get it.
9. My Bucket List. I have my bucket list that I need to get rid off. I have to get it done. It’s kindda helping me achieve my goals, even though I haven’t done anything yet on that list. Pfft.
8. My Desire to put God’s hands in my own fate. I love God. Well, God is Love. I’m being more positive right now while I’m jotting this down. I smiled. God really has a way to make you feel good.
7. My Trusted Friends. These friends of mine are really my pals. I called them trusted because I don’t really label them anything. I have a few friends and I’m greatful that I have someone like them for support.
6. My Father. Uhmn. If you have read my previous posts then you know how my father died. We’re not that close but I know this is what he wanted me to be doing in my life. To be strong. I miss him.
5. My Boyfriend. He’s my life saviour. He’s an angel in disguise. He always waited for me and he always loves me. I can never see any reason why I would replace him. He’s irreplacable. I know, he’s the one. I always wanted to remind myself that no other guy can love me the way he did. He’s extraordinary.
4. My Younger Brother. To be honest, this brother of mine is sometimes getting on my nerves. On some level I still love this guy. I know he’s trying to change, trying to make it up to us. I feel his genuine care when it comes to our relationship as brother and sister and even as a son to mom to our mother. I wish that everything will go on smoothly from now on. No more fights.
3. My Older Brother. We rarely see our older brother, he’s in a different country. He has a family and I know how it is a challenge for him and his family to not be together becuse of some circumstances. I envy his courage and we love him all the way. I know he still looks after us and we still look after him too.
2. My Sister. I admire my baby sister. She’s my favorite person. She’s smart, caring and really finds time to know what she really wants. She has a lot of talent and I know there’s a big future ahead of her. I love her as she loves us.
1. My Mom. She’s the best person that I have known in my 25 years of existence. She’s bossy and she knows what she’s doing. She’s really great. She never missed anything like giving us lectures on how things work. Sometimes she’s cold but we know that she’s warm in the inside. You can never trick her. Haha. One of a kind.
This certain list might change and that’s normal. But as of right now, if you are experiencing any pain or anything at all. Look back at your life. If you’re still in pain, look again. To plan to end your life won’t change anything, that’s not how it works.
I don’t plan to ruin my loveones life either. I don’t want anyone to be in grief. Maybe there’s a better way to look at the brighter side of life. I may not be really feeling it this way right now… and I thought that maybe it would change and I know it will.
Maybe not today, but someday.
I’m still hoping for the best and I don’t want it to last.